if i told you you were

I am no professional and I am not a nice person.

I don't want to rant but when you tell me something and then don't do it, it doesn't help.

It really fucking doesn't help.

the end is in sight

2 more insipid dull days. yeah.

work work

I'm now back in the dull, dull office and my eyes are closing.

I didn't sleep well at all and I kept waking up to pee. Also, the excitement of Man Utd vs Everton kept the adrenaline pumping in me.

My ipod is now playing My chemical Reomance's Disenchanted.

It really is a beautiful song.

A wish

hello stephanie leonidas.

I have decided.

The coolest thing anyone can give me for christmas is the Mirrormask Dvd.

for all time

ipod vs the casette tape.
Who wins?

Click here to find out.

this totally made my day.

maybe they'll leave me alone

His name is Kaka.
He belongs to jesus (:

Congrats to him on winning the World Player of the Year.
Channel NewsAsia played a short tribute to him in the news this morning.


I really like football. I may not be very good at it, but I love it all the same.

It really is a wonderful game.

Lonely

15 days before the end of the year and the recurring theme of 2007 would be that of loneliness, of failure and of despondency.
Looking at the pictures taken with people, I see my happy faces but it does seem to be just a mask for our underlying problems.
I remember when I first came into Hwachong, the principal said "Hwachong is not just a place for you to excel academically; It is also a haven for you to build lasting relationships with peers of your own age."
Now I dare say I have finished Junior College and yet all I feel is a sense that JC does not bring people together; It just drives people apart.

I guess it was always going to be a tall order when you put the brightests minds of the nation under one roof and expect them to be one big happy family. Over the past 2 years, I have seen how people increasingly lived for themselves. For their dreams, for their aspirations.


I am not going to use this post to accuse people of selfishness and greed because lets face it: If we didn't work for ourselves, we wouldn't be here.
And there is nothing wrong with living for yourself.
I myself have given up lots of class outings, soccer sessions and whatnot to study for whatever test or exam to give me a leg up over my peers.

Having done all that, all I can feel is a feeling of regret. Regret that I never got to interact with the people in my class; Regret on how my classmates are going to end up as increasingly distant acquaintances till they fade into the obscurity of my memories.

I do treasure the few friends I have made, and I do hope that we can still keep in touch.

Now, this post may seem to be an emo rant but I do not feel emo. I am strangely bereft of emotion and this does seem to be comforting in a strange twisted kind of way.

This year has seen the making of friends, the strengthening of old relationships, they fading of others.
I guess this is how humanity works.

Nevertheless, I am thankful for the experiences I have experienced this year. From heartwrenching agony of soccer to the exciting periods of the first three months when I had like 28 angels, I have sampled a plethora of experiences.

I am sorry for how fragmented and disorganised this post seems but this is just a way for me to pen down all my thoughts.


The only time we waste our life is when we think we are alone. -Mitch Albom





A recurring topic I have used for a great majority of my univesity applications is that of dreams. While talking to some of my friends, I realise that many of them held such great dreams and yet did not do anything concrete to realise their dreams. It is kinda sad as you see how people just accepted that dreams do not come true and they did a job they hated to survive; to allow them to gain social recognition and to go with the flow.

I hope that it does not come to this for me as I have great dreams for myself. Really.

A passage that I particularly enjoy is that by steve jobs.

This speech was entitled Stay hungry, Stay foolish and it was given to the Graduating class of 2005, Stanford University.

Excerpt:"
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. Yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. One day, you too will die and you will be replaced. Sorry for sounding so melodramatic but that is the way it is. And that is the way it should be, as death is the single best invention of life. It changes life, clearing out the old for the new. And this is important as this means your time is limited, don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other people's opinions drown out your inner voice. Most importantly, have the courage to follow your own heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. This approach has always worked for me and I believe it would work for you too.


(:

a picture says....

enough said.

):

Smile fades in the summer; I'll leave when I wanna

It seems even the gods are trying to prevent me from exercising as everyday when I reach home the skies are pouring. Oh well, who am I to argue with divine intervention. (:

Had a really nice talk with QingSheng last night. It has been ages since I last saw him and I think we're meeting this weekend! A nice, faggy drinking session or something. YUPP (:

And I really can't believe the way Singapore got pwned last night. Wtf wtf wtf to thailand wtf wtf wtf.

top of the world

all the roads lead to where you are;
and all the street lights shine like they were stars

It's my lunch break now and I've been surfing up on some old friends blogs and trying to read up on their life. I do feel a tinge of nostalgia especially when I see how much we have changed. I don't think I will recognise them if i pass them on the street and neither do i think they will recognise me.
Which is really kind of sad cause I've never been very good with the whole best friends forever kind of thing. I'm irritable, short tempered and sometimes just plain annoying. I have little patience especially with incompetence, definitely.
I guess this is why the friends that i DO manage to hold for long are people I would stick with come hell or high water. I am thankful to all of you and I do hope that we can stay like this.
I remeber the days of Primary School where we were all in Blue Shorts and Yellow Shirts and we were are round and cuddly cute. It seems a lifetime ago but that was when I seriously looked forward to school where we played catching during recess and ate Jelly that cost 20 cents for lunch.
Miraculously, I still remember my Primary school teachers especially a Ms Teo during Primary 3 which planted the budding seeds of anger and angst into me. She gave me hell, oh yeah.

I just thought that all I can think about my past life is school, school and more school related activities. My mother always tells me of how she had so much fun out of school and when its my turn I don't have any such recollection. Bloody hell.


I think Up Against The Wall by Boys Like Girls is one of my favourite songs now and I have looped it in my ipod for the past half an hour.
Ok I have 20 mins of lunch left. bye.

work sucks, I know

To all of you that gripe on how studying isn't fun and is boring, how would you like to spend your whole day filing, digging out name cards from a bucket and entering the details into a microsoft excel file, photocopying 280324 copies of something that looks like gibberish to you?
No?
Good. Start studying.
Cause work is seriously seriously @#$%@#$% leh. Every morning I wake up and I drag my ass to shenton way. I seriously do not know how people can live like that, where the office is deathly quiet with no one willing to smile or talk to you. I miss school. ):
School is how slack lah.


Anyways I've finished majority of my applications except the middlebury one. Heh I hope I have not just thrown about approximately 1k into the rubbish bin.

EDIT: Ok after much thought work isn't that bad. My supervisors are all moving millions of dollars everyday to buy grain and wheat futures (I work in a trading firm) and it does look terribly exciting. But to get there, you gotta study. Get it?

the rat race

I'm sitting in at my desk now and im struggling to keep my eyes open. tequila is awesome, but tequila 4 hours before work is not.

prom was fun. please, facebook the photos.

sleepover

Stayed over at hung's house last night. Was imba fun where we got silly drunk and watched Blades of Glory. It was a totally wtf kind of show, but yeah, never had so much fun for a long time.
Last paper! A 4D style question paper, where you choose one correct option from 4. Sounds really easy, right?

HAHA to Olivia; Oh my sounds bad leh if your papers were like econs. Econs was #%$^!@* to me.

To anyone that reads this, Good LUCK! Hang in there, A levels almost over!

heart

Just finished chem. It was a very very 勉强 ok lah. But I know i gave it my best shot (:

A levels going to finish soon! I was looking through my old photos and i saw this shot i took of NJC. It was during orientation and the canoe team had a team that says

"All it takes is all you've got".

All it takes for me to live my (numerous) dreams and be all that i can be, is all i've got. Hell yeah.

modern minds and pasttimes

Maybe we're trying; trying too hard
maybe we're torn apart.
maybe the timing
is beating the odds

we're empty

and we don't give a damn

Had the most lung-racking cough today. My lungs are tired.
I'm so so sick of studying.

cry

I have seen tears
I have seen pain
Crying on your shoulders
For your name

Do you see my guilt
Should I feel fine?
Is the fire of hesitation
Burning bright

If you want to
talk about it once again
Come and sit with me
and cry, on my shoulder
once again
I'm a friend.

argh.

insommnia

It's exactly 4am now, and I can't get back to sleep.
It's just one of those days when you toss and turn the whole time with no effect.
So here I am, staring at this screen, trying to pen down my latest thoughts.

I heard stories, of how friends are struggling to get their act together for the A-levels. And i see them slacking or giving up on themselves.

If you think you fit this description, please; Close this browser and hit the books. If you fuck A-levels up, You would be 18 years old, with no employable skills, a decent O-level cert, essentially young and hopeless.
What's next then? Australia is always a good option to run away. Their universities accept candidates with wide-ranging scores. Yet their universities are very, very expensive. Can you afford it? More importantly, can you live with yourself when you blow a sizable chunk (if not all) of your parent's retirement savings and/or coffin-money?

Another options would be those wtf-kind of American universities, where they have just-started, and are hence willing to accept anyone, even paying for you to go there. But this certificate is highly dubious to anyone. Would anyone accept it?

Locally, polytechnics beckon. But that would be a highly roundabout manner to get a diploma.

"Tertiary institutes" such as uniSIM, MDIS, KAPLAN also exist, but really what's the point? You can top the class or school there and a NUS student would still get more credit.

Like I said, Young and Hopeless.




When we're 80, I'm sure that we would understand our lives better than now. We all are here for a purpose; That I'm sure. But I wish someone could show me the way.
I really respect people who are able to grow the balls and drop out (bill gates) to pursue their dreams. I certainly don't dare to.

doing the joga

I just played street soccer for the first time in like two months. ohhhh my arms and legs ache..

SATs coming out soon!

. . . - - - . . .

I don't know how to do this.
It's so tiring.
It's like the harder i try, the more i backslide.
I tried; I really tried.

I feel so burnt out. Ok, i know you have to study hard in the first place to get burnt out and my level of work (or rather lack of) has been appalling when compared to my energizer o-level kind of pia in the first place. I really have been bumming around, playing winning eleven (YES I SIGNED BERBATOV), snacking, sleeping, essentially everything but study.

Like I said, Burnt out.

This wasn't supposed to be like this


At least, I think so.

Can't I fast forward to 1st December, when i can finally bid adios to all this?

I am so gonna build the biggest bonfire in the world, fueled purely by the staggering amounts of notes that i have studiously collected, filled in, consumed and regurgitated in my examinations.

My table is now strewn with millions of pieces of paper and i have resorted to studying at my sister's table. hah.

fuck man.

grad night!

We're into the whole whips and chains thing.

how we've changed.


Grad night was the typical photowhore kinda experience. fun!

muse

It's a wonderful sunday. The weather has been excellent.
The night air is cooling; The crescent moon is bright.
I'm mugging my life out.
Youth is really wasted on the young.

SATs

have recently concluded; with me taking them for the 2nd time.

I have just concluded prelims, with getting a decent BBDE, plus B for gp. Can't say I'm satisfied, though i hope this goes on to show that i can get the AAAA for A-levels.
Life is one big mug, and everyone in school is getting paler and fairere by the lack of exercise. Some (like me) have uniforms that grow increasingly tighter as each day passes. The library is now one favourite haunt and everyone, no matter jock or geek, stakes his/her claim at the library.

The demographics at the library are as follows.
1. If you want to mug in silence (due to panic) or if you just have no friends or if you just had ginger and is now farting like an exhaust pipe, you take the cubicles. Located along the perimeter of the library, they offer complete isolation as though you live in a sound proof bubble. Of course, couples can often be seen making out. Just leave if the rocking and moans get too distracting.

2. The computer tables are also an excellent option. Many, frustrated by the lack of nice seats, then take the computer tables. They place their card on the ez-link desk and then proceed to take that slot for 6 whole hours. Of course, they do not actually use the computer. They activate the internet browser, then leave it at the hci homepage and then claim right of usage for the next 6 hours. One can almost hear the desperate J1s clawing them into shreds mentally to use the terminal for their pw.

3. The last, and most popular option of studying in the library are the social mugging. Referred to colloquially as S and S ( Socialising and Studying), this is also widely accepted as the least effective form of mugging in the library. Many groups of people there take this time to make up for their pitiful social lives and have social interactions there.During peak hours, the place is a jungle of activity. Classes have been known to "set-up shop" there, taking one entire row there and proceed to talk, chat, laugh, gossip, fold paper airplanes and essentially do everything other than study.



Ok please don't sue me.

ugly betty!

leaving the life of a dropout these days. School certainly seems pointless now. Lessons pass and i waste all that time travelling....

SATs this saturday. I seriously seriously seriously hope i don't fuck this up this time.

I've been watching ugly betty everyday! my favourite show now heh heh.

To anyone that cares im really really sorry for the ridiculously short posts. WIll give a good long update after this saturday.

the dream

Blood, Sweat, Tears

parental love

All parents damage their children. It is akin to one holding glass. The careful ones hold it carefully but inadvertently smudge it, crack it. The damage a parent does to a child can be small, but also, can smash the child into little pieces, beyond repair.
Damage, can be taken literally as violence. It however can take a much more deadly manifestation of that of neglect, of aloofness and of despair.

slow spinning redemption

Got back a majority of my prelim results yesterday. It certainly is very very disappointing to see something that you put in so mouch work for.....

Anyways I think I'm gonna apply to
1. Yale
2. Princeton
3. Columbia
4. Dartmouth
5. University of Chicago


yeah yeah i know im aiming high. But mai yi ge xi wang right?
If i don't apply cannot sleep ah.
hahahha.

I just stole a big pile of Archie comics from the reading corner downstairs ((:
Sian lah. really sian lah.

The Phoenix's Lament

It's a sad sad world.
Prelims is just about over. I think i did they best i could for my papers.
I shall accept whatever result with a positive attitude.
Most of the papers were okay though.

Up next is SAT.I really really really want that perfect score BAD.
I want to go overseas and leave this place.
really really badly.
I must do well.

I guess no one is really that close to people you see in jc. I guess other than my close group of friends of the people i hang out with, i don't really know much people.

I mean, their faces are all a blur and there's really no motivation to bother to know a person if you are (possibly) never going to see him/her for the rest of your life.

I read this random blog and i realised the blogger was right; JC is an in-out thing. It's a preparation process for a new, exciting life in university.

My mind is tired. My heart is excited. I need you.

just a...

Thats it. I'm sick of you Newcastle. you better win tonight.
I know you're sponsor NORTHERN ROCK just folded and millions withdrew their accounts on friday.
BUt you have cost me enough weekly allowances.
Win.
Or i'll unleash this.




in it's adult form on you. It won't be pretty.

I'm tired.

very.

The Picture of Dorian Gray

I just finished "The Picture of Dorian Gray". For the uninitiated it is a story of vanity, of how one young man was so obsessed by his beautiful potrait that he trades his soul to preserve himelf. So now, the picture ages instead of him and he remains beautiful and wrinkle free and young.
The picture thus represents his soul and it ages to a heap of dust. hahah.

If such a method was true, it would put SK II, olay and all other beauty products out of business.

Now why did you waste your time on this when you should be studying?

(:

perfect match

It's a new day today.
I'm tackling it head on.


milan how could you lose? Your actions have led to a suicide at bukit timah block 1.

Tick Tock

is the sound the clock makes.

My life is extremely mundane and boring now. Been studying (or at least attempting to) but it seems I've lapsed into complacency where i think i know everything. That attitude will probably backfire on me and result in me screwing up my prelims but oh well...

The past few weeks have been kind of monotonous but i guess everyone's feeling the same as me. Motivation is real hard but i must not lose sight of my goals. This could be good. (:

The weather is awesome for sleeping in though(:

crazy in love

you are the ink to my paper
What my pen is to my pad
The moral the very fibre
the whole substance to my rap (:

tak giu!

Today was a football day. Went back to rv in the morning. Saw a few people that i haven't seen for many many many x99 years. Didn't see the guys from 4i though. Wonder where they are?

Played football with the J1s. It was hilarious; Old uncles with bellies and pale pasty skin due to lack of exposure of the sun trying to chase the juniors down. It was great fun though (:
It's times like these that really help take my mind of the many many shit in my mind.

I guess thats why i like football so much. It offers escape and relieve; Relieve from this extremely tricky life. It seems that all i do with my Dad is just shout at him whenever we talk about tertiary education. This further enforces my desire to just run away and just never look back. Brazil sounds fucking awesome.

I really gotta mug.

Oh valencia!

My life is in your hands. You better kick villareal's butt tonight.

self: If you have time to blog, you have time to study.

Hope.

On a wing and a prayer.
That just about sums up my feeling now.
The fear, the anxiety;
Can't it just go away?

my brain

is a complex machine that never ever stops whirring. It can think about the Kstab questions regarding formation of complexes coupled with my university application which is seemingly doomed and also lastly what's up for lunch.


Supposedly human thought is characterised by three thought processes. They are the thought of survival, of question and of solution. This is simply characterised by the How, Why and Where. It is simply put into context where:
"I'm hungry. How do i eat?"
"Why must I eat?"
"Where shall we have lunch?"

just stay strong

It has been a depressing one week or so since I last updated. Every day is the same. We rush to the fourth floor library after school, open our notes and stay there till it is evening. I feel zombiefied; Really.
You make it worthwhile.

Anyways I have pasted the pictures of the various schools i want to go to after Junior college to keep me motivated. I have decided to not bother with a scholarship cause of the rather off putting bond. 6 years is a hell lot of time to waste especially in the prime of my working career. As such. I have decided to plunge myself way into the red even before i take my first paycheck.

Cost of UK education is insanely expensive. But it's more than a cert that says i went overseas to Imperial College (for example). It's the culture, its the romance of one of the greatest countries in the world. UK is the country of football, of harry potter, of Ali G, of policemen on horses, on those funny soldiers with those insanely high hats, of Kate Moss, of David Beckham's right foot, of David Beckham's left foot, of his hugely expensive left ankle and blah.

I want to go there.

JIREH LEEEEEEEE!!

I want to strangle you.



HAHAHA siao man.

here we go again

It's saturday again. A day of bumming around and that feeling of doom when you lie in bed at night and think to yourself "what have i done this day?"

Yeap, revision is going pretty as much as i expected. Complex numbers is still a mess, especially the loci part. The remaining are so-so and i must say im quite pleased.

anyway, EPL kicks off again!
I seriously hope sunderland and newcastle win. If they do, my allowance for another week is kept.

National Day 2007

Remember in Primary 5 when the MOE sponsored you and your friends to go watch the national day previews? I do.
I remember the starry eyed boy that i was, marvelling at the fireworks, the free goodies and (my favourite) the lightsaber-esque torch. The parade was wonderful, with so many dances that bowled this 11 year old over.

And yet, as the years pass, i view the celebrations with an air of (despondent) familiarity. How many times have we seen Sang Nila Utama, Stamford Raffles discover singapore, a mix of races and all dance on the platform.

They say familiarity breeds contempt. Yeah, i totally agree. The celebrations look the same, the parade looks the same, and i feel so much older.



Happy Birthday Singapore, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

I refuse to quit

Not when I have endured twelve years of dull, insipid education.
Not when i am this close.
Hang in there buddy.
Don't let her drag you down.
Stick your a1 up her @#$%.

full steam ahead

Today had hair check. This thus meant people with hair touching their collar will be sent to have their heads shaven at the nearby coronation plaza barber. Of course, the other and more prominent reason i skipped school today was cause of gp.
I am really starting to despise going to her class because all she does is drag people down. SHe has an incredible wealth of knowledge and a plethora of logic and intuition so why cant she use that? Almost typically, she enters class, goes through the compo questions and proceeds to highlight how incredibly knucleheaded, hopeless and pathetic people we are. i really cannot stand it.
Which is also why i always bring a good book to read during Gp.

Been trying (rather desperately) to catch up with school work and as the dreaded A levels come closer and closer, there seems to be insufficient time to make up for the past 6 months of deliquency and devastation. I miss the good old days of fun and laughter really meant fun and laughter.

Chee hung's planning for the cruise on the 12 to 14th of december seems to be going well. It BETTER work. I need a break, bad.

This morning was spent filing, packing, reorganising and now i am completely exhausted. Oh bloody hell.

keep holding on.

cause you know you'll make it through
just stay strong
cause you know i'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
nothing you can do
there's no other way when it comes to the truth
so keep holding on.

So far away;
Wish you were here
Before its too late
this could all disappear.
Before the doors close
and it comes to an end
With you by my side i will fight and defend.




Avril Lavigne's song "Keep Holding On"

National track and Field

Today was the 48th Track and Field, held at some obscure part of Singapore which no one really knows.
Learning points:
1. Singapore sports school is really really imba. Especially their girls' events.

2. given the flags, body paint, power sticks, cheers, school provided cheerleaders, no wonder everyone thinks that hwachong is a communist school.

3. The Hwachong 4x400 team is really a pity. They dropped they baton on the last lap. They were in the lead!!


HAHA. Anyways o a more sombre tone, i have gotten back my Block test results. B for physics, C for chem, E for econs and S for math. Kinda what i expected though it still means that I really gotta work hard. Looking at my parents struggling to pay my sister's education has made me really wise up.

Possibly going on a glutton cruise with the scouts and affiliates. Am looking forward to 3 days of food, fagness and fun! So long im not in the same room as master. HEH!

In summary

Shamelessly stolen off jireh's blog. The davy jones' character is alex. Click to enlarge although im not sure why you would want to. Coming to theatres near you.

young punks

Went playing soccer with the fags on friday. WAs happily playing soccer until a group of Indians came to try and take over their court. I shall not elaborate, but key words of the action that ensued were
"Padlock
Alex Zhang
Baseball bat
999
I also police
Hole
Police car
Police"

I really wonder what is their problem. Their attack on us was seriously unprovoked and ruined what would have been a great night for us. DO they miss prison food that badly?

I'm reading the most awesome book by the most awesome writer Douglas adam, The Salmon of doubt.

Excerpt:"
I've come up with a set of rules that describe our reactions to technologies:

1. Anything that is in the world when you're born is normal and ordinary and is just a part of the way things work.

2. Anything invented between when you're fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you could get a career in it.

3. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things.

"

This book is full of gems.

Today was Deb's last day of school. Off she goes into America to chase her dream of turning pro. In many ways i kind of wish i was like her, with the ability to do what i want, instead of what my parents want me to do. Good luck deb. I don't think you will see this but ALL THE BEST. Write me a postcard!

On a much gloomier note, i have officially been condemned into the math revision lecture series. Oh God.



Plus: I have just come back from a run, and i conclude that ah bengs riding bikes, blocking the pathway and blasting akon's "I wanna love you" should be rounded up and shot.

yeah i've deleted the old blog skin. This is kinda cool, right?

now here's this week's fag pic! zhe yang happy! click to enlarge, though im not sure why you would want to do that.

HAHA live earth was just over. The round the world, across 7 continents, in 7 cities on 7/7/07 was basically one big farce. Like all things that fail, it actually started as a novel plan. Save the earth, right? But to get stamping hordes of crazed adolescents jumping along in big grounds with pyrotechnics, fireworks, special effects and blah hardly conserved the environment. And yes the fact that about 2 billion television sets were turned on simultaneously for 24 hours added to the amounts of inevitable pollution caused by such a concert hardly was useful.

Please do well, won't you?

what makes you different

Haven't blogged for a long long time. So now i shall do a recap.
Block tests 2 recently concluded. Totally bombed out for math, left like a shitload of marks blank. Other sujects were RELATIVELY ok compared to that.
Been trying to get my fitness levels back. HAve been working out and running a hell lot.
Soccer with the rascals also helps with the almighty yan.
I have lost tracked of the number of times yanfong has sms-ed me "4pm jurong ssc idea?" in the past month.
Yanfong tai tee is possibly the most fun card game ever invented.

Class chalet has been planned on the 5th to 7th of december. Really really hope everyone goes. Prom's on the fourth so we'll club till the 5th and check in. HAHA.
Thinking of 06s68 definitely drags back memories of 4i. haven't seen a great great majority of them for a long long time. well, doubt they'll see this post but for what it's worth i really miss creating havoc with you guys. Those days inside the container block were GOLDEN i tell you.

Khoo! your present still with me! come play soccer one day and i'll pass you it.

death.

Now I've seen two of my friends experience the death of their loved ones. It's never a pleasant sight. I just wish and wish that there is something can do. I feel so helpless as i see their world crumbles apart and there's nothing absolutely nothing i can do.
I always thought such things happened to people a world away far far away from me. Now its such a close hit to home and it hurts. It sounds so cliched but life is really really so fragile. It really isn't fair cause if it was, my two friends who are the best people i know would never have to endure such a traumatic experience. I cannot imagine what it would feel like.

hum-hum

if you're out here reading my blog, you really really should be studying.

review time!

i have done nothing, absolutely nothing, other than eat, play winning eleven and study chem this week. heh.

fag!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

and you're gone

I want to hold you baby,
cause im gonna miss you like crazy.
Even when you're half way round the world.
A-TEENS!


A-teens was like the coolest thing, totally, in primary 6. heh.



click to enlarge.

we are so cool. HEH.

bored

I want to play competitive field soccer. bad.

on a scale of 1 to ten,
the pain due to
cryosurgery ranks at about 584.


i asked the nurse if the thing was painful.
she said "the rooms are soundproof for a reason."

the all new game show

50 chapters of indecipherable notes.
4 subjects of pure hell.
21 days of temptations.
1 desperate boy.


Outplay.
outwit.
outlast.


Can that boy ever be able to finish the mission in time?

Welcome to survivor: Hwachong

so you say;

Happy Birthday samuel!
Today is Samuel's birthday and he has turned 18!
He can finally buy alcohol and pornography!
woo hoo!!



Haha. Spent the last 3 days at Song Yuan's palatial residences. Its a really nice, big house with a cool home theatre, pool table and a seemingly lifetime's supply of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream.
Had a really enjoyable time there, celebrating Samuel's Birthday. Bought him a shirt that says "HAVE A NIKE DAY" HAHA i think its damn cool.

NOw my eyebags are monstrous.

season

Regular readers of this rather pathetic website would know that the 2007 soccer season has ended a fairly long time ago.
I didn't want to blog about it initially as i wanted a fair, subjective view on the whole hooha and not be blinded by hatred.

"If you look back when we started, and then where we are now, then that is progress" are the words of coach.
People might view the HC soccer team as a bunch of perennial no-hopers and based on results, no one can argue against such a view.
7 games, 4 losses (vj, sa, ij, cj), 2 draws (tj, mi) and 1 win(aj) hardly makes for optimistic reading.

Yet, when we first started, we were a motley crew of people who had never played a full game before, let alone x number of DSA slots.
When i first came, i hated the team or rather the lack of team spirit. Cliques were everywhere and the backstabbing was revolting to say the least. Yet, as time went on, I was no longer fighting for my place.
This no longer became about me.
This became a team.

Then came the never ending, morale sapping roll of friendly losses.
It seemed as if the light at the end of the tunnel was a pinprick and it was never coming closer.

However, we picked up form at the right time and we kept fighting on after that.

Luck will always factor in to any circumstance and when you lose your captain after 15 minutes against the defending champion and his season is over.....

season whirled past and then, it was the last match.
When it was over, the tears just flowed as what i had worked for just culminated in a bittersweet swansong.

i don't think anyone saw it, but i was just happy.

I'm thankful to many people. To my class, who always sent me cliched but nevertheless touching words of luck.
To my teachers, who were understanding throughout this period of time.
To YOU, for unless crying sessions.
To TObias, Ruiyi, Louis, for being bench buddies.
To kc, for the never ending love-hate relationship over the right back spot.
To coach for the neverending guidance.
To genesis for betting to shave her head and keeping me motivated.
To shawn and samuel and deborah and my emo kaki wanjing for the support.
To my ipod for allowing me to block out all other people so i can pretend im asleep.
To jing ji(golden rooster) for the late night dinners and the occasional free french fries.
and lastly, to Class of 2007, Team Hwachong.
thank you.

ransom

So you stole my heart,
and wrote me a ransom letter.
Demanded i treat you better
Should i ever want it back.
And now im all alone.
Dreams are all forgotten
Memories all turned rotten.
It's not the same on the phone.

HAHAHAH!

{+5}hwachong.soccer|superstriker{+13) chee ko pek! says:
do your cavewoman shout
{+5}hwachong.soccer|superstriker{+13) chee ko pek! says:
hunting cry
{+5}hwachong.soccer|superstriker{+13) chee ko pek! says:
sure can hear one
WANJING // if only you knew says:
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO
{+5}hwachong.soccer|superstriker{+13) chee ko pek! says:
HAHAHA
WANJING // if only you knew says:
and i'll roar!!
WANJING // if only you knew says:
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!



classic man

heartbreak

when it rains, it pours.

Saw the Hwachong RJC finals at Toa Payoh Champions.
I saw tears whe the final whistle blew.
Everyone was kind of down and the hurt on the netballers faces were so heart-rending.
The score difference was about 10 points i think.
sigh.
rome is burning.

first date

went to carnivore, brazillian churrascaria today with chihua.
The food was decent; the volume of food served was scary.
So scary, the both of us couldn't walk properly and we spent most of the time in the toilet.
Met class mates after that.
had BEN AND JERRY's MERLIONSTER.
That thing is soo sinful.
haha.


dance night was awesome.


is this good enough?

team 204 asked me to go for trials!
YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!

oh happy day!

The defenders!
WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS! actually not really lah.

Barring a seriously screwed up change in weather tomorrow, Season will end tomorrow.
It is seriously a bittersweet ending.
on one hand, i cannot wait for it to end.
The levels of stress and emo-ness have reached stratospheric proportions and i seriously cannot take it anymore.
The anxious waits that were usually compounded with disappointment were painful, to say the least.
Yet, as i look back on what i have done, all i can feel is regret.
Regret for myself, and what might have been.
All i can contend myself with is the knowledge that i gave it my very best shot.
The countless afternoon staying back and lubbing sessions with kc and tobias and the DEEK will always be a part of me.
Tomorrow is our last match.
AJC.
We were so painfully humiliated by them and i want payback.






I try and i try yet i cant seem to fly.
My soul full of pain and deprive.
I wish i was perfect and god knows i tried.
But everything i do
Tears your heart in two
I wonder why.

This innocence; is brilliant.
It males you want to cry.
This moment, is perfect.
Please don't go away.
I need you now..
and now hold on to it,
don't you let it pass you by.

Avril lavigne, innocene.

oh god i miss you.

sin

had a most unproductive weekend.
played soccer, first with hc soccer, then with norton.

That training session, we had a match between j2s and j1s. It was the most fun match in recent memory where everything just felt right. Football became a language and it was at its most beautiful. I'm sure the people who took part in the match felt the unspeakable team spirit.


Norton was fun. Played with a few small malay kids. So small already speak vulgarities and act like bengs. Grow up sure die one.



Sunday was SLACK day. oh yeah.

rome is burning

This is a scene when one of England's proudest clubs Leeds united are relegated to league one.
I guess what goes around comes around. What goes up must come down.
Five years ago they proudly hosted Valencia in the semifinals of the champions league.
I guess its Southend and Nottingham forest next season.

Everyday i go to school and i see people around me depressed.
With results, with performances, with their dreams.
I wonder if this is just isolated to Hwachong.
Or is this emo-bug rampant in singapore.
It's sickening.
And i hate being a part of it.

I seriously cannot wait to graduate and donate the next two years of my life to nation building
There, i seriously dun have to care whether im good or not.
Its not that i hate hwachong
I love the class
I love the team
heck, i even love athena
But this school is one which pushes you to excel
Failure is not accepted.




Today was labour day.
Woke up and i didn't want to do anything.
hell yeah, its a labour FREE day

rant

you.
You think you're a big shot.
You complain about lack of playing time.
You're late for trainings if we're lucky
and just skip trainings if you feel like it
Then you bitch about how little chance you are given
You don't stay with the team
You never ever want to eat with us
You believe everyone else is below you.
You use your links to former powers and convince yourself that we are a waste of time
a waste of your fucking time.
And maybe you're right
we'll never be champions
and maybe you're right
we are wasting our time
chasing a pipe dream that will never ever materialize
but you know what?
you don't deserve that shirt
People who have worked harder
given more
trained through pain
deserve that hallowed jersey.
Blood, sweat, tears.
Does it mean anything to you?
While we give our heart and soul
you sit at home.
The moment you hear its PT
you go home.
Give some fucked up excuse on going to the doctor's
What the fuck.
Can you even look me in the eye?
and tell me that all i've just said are lies?
Its not like you were forced to be such a bastard
please.
you are an adult
Those who have given everything
We are a band of brothers
you and me?
we ain't bros.
so just fuck off.

i wonder why

it must be karma.
I wish i was perfect
and god knows i tried.
i wonder why

bizarre

This is bizarre. watch it before it's banned.

karma

*teacher's day, 2005


we are, we are all innocent - Our Lady peace







To keep in line with the hilarious theme

at 19:54 Ruiyi sms-ed me: " Watching channel 5 now?"

I replied " yeah. miss singapore universe. why?"

He replied:" got a lot girls the face langgar lorry many times over."

hahaha laughed through the commercial break.

bleed

My dreams are being razed to the ground;
I'm bound helpless to a chair.
Rome is burning;
Chosen warriors are slacking
I stay silent
My heart bleeds.

math musings

The variance of a random variable X, denoted by Var(X), is given by

2 2 2
var(X) = E(X-u) = E(X) - [E(X)]




For a discrete random variable X,

E(X) = sum of P(X=x)

and

E(X^2) = sum of X^2 P(X=x)

Var(X) = E(X^2) - E(X)^2








This page totally cracked me up.

a pledge

This is a pledge to be happy!
no more emo posts!






haha yeah right

project work

Received project work results today. Yupp got an A!
It is perhaps only in hwachong that when you get an A that it feels distinctly average. When the national average for PW "A's" is about 20% and about 85% of your school gets As, something is wrong. Seriously.


Nationals have been kind of depressing for me due to the playing time (or rather due to lack of). I'll just keep trying hard and hope that i will don the jersey one day and play. I seriously hope that i can play against Temasek on Monday.


NJC won their match against Yishun 4-0 which a certain khoo opened accounts. Kudos to them for their hardwork; they have certainly come far.



i wish life would be more relenting sometimes. Life's a struggle.

war

It's war.
Tomorrow.
The butterflies in my stomach are on steroids.



lets live this dream.


TEAM HWACHONG

everything's fine

I received my A-level receipt yesterday.
In a blur, has it really been so long?
JC's almost over.

The promise.

"I'M SIGNIFICANT!!"



screamed the ant.
To no one in particular.

a little consistency.
It's all we need.

muse

Have you ever wondered how people can ever find the urge to kill themselves? To cut themselves?

I do. All the time.

And as now im waiting for the hypothetical axe to fall on my neck, its not hard to see how or why they can.

I remember the pain of last year. The insecurities were felt and when it finally came, the pain was tremendous. It was a wake up call for me.


I admit, at that time, i even thought of suicide. The sweet release of everything.
Everything would be over. No more disappointment. No more anger. No more sadness.
When something you hope for doens't go your way; suddenly you can't see what you have, you only see what's missing.


It's like if i rip a 2cm hole in the mona lisa, you won't see the tremendous artwork that leornado da vinci put in centuries ago. Instead you see that tiny bit of imperfection.

At that point I wasn't afraid of death. Definitely not. I was afraid to live. I was afraid of picking myself up and keep myself going. I had built such great dreams and i was on the brink of fulfilling it with team NJC. And they were shattered.

Again i bet Kang chiang will bitch about how much of an emo boy i am and ask me to snap out it. But hey, emo's been around for ages. It was called angst till the ah bengs couldn;t spell it and called it emo.

emo is just a way of saying fuck you to the world.

bliss

We beat NJC!!!!
2-1 is the final score.
The final friendly and we gave it our best.
This momentum is invaluable and we need to ride on it.

I cant remember celebrating so fanatically. ever.




Kudos to all who gave their best.
This year, is OUR year.

ARGH!

block test. bad.
tomorrow is training =D

I'm yours

Well you you've done done it and you bet i felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so HOT that i melted
I fell right through the cracks
and i'm trying to get back

Before the cool down run out i'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon its again my turn
to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate
no more, no more
It cannot wait
I'm yours (:

satisfaction

This post rounds up a week of non-stop chasing of a certain ball around large expanses of grass. This has been a most satisfying week.


Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.





For the last 4 days, i did.
Even if i don't make it, i did.


On a more pragmatic note, im gonna fuck up my block test so badly its not even funny.






EDIT:
The first is an edited picture. But still...... What has single-sex education done to these young minds?

oh no

Yesterday's training session was quite possibly the worst training session i have ever partaken in. I'm not even surprised if i got cut.

This fear of failure is something that is threatening to destroy me. Every move i make i am hesitant of putting a step wrong and my brain commands "Don't do that!" and instantly i make an idiotic mistake.
FUCK FUCK FUCK.

This sucks.

indescribable

My junior class made it. The appeals and all.
This rounded up a much dramatic and emotional week whereby there was tears and painful (false) goodbyes, with the cliched promises to stay in touch. oh well.


I'm really glad 07s68 managed to stay on. I have come to warm to them as fun-loving junior class; Compared to classes stocked of IP people, they are a breath of fresh air.









come on team; play your heart out.

tonight i wanna cry

Cause i've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And i thought being strong meant never losing my self control
And I've just felt the pain
to hell with my pride
let it fall like rain
from the stars
Tonight I wanna cry.
-Keith Urban

a final plea

I don't want this dream to end. please.
don't wake me up.
I know i'm not good enough
I know i'm not fast enough


I've given too much, too much to fall now.

looking back

Having read through my previous entries, I realise that should i suffer some or any form of memory loss, this blog, which should serve as my diary would be essentially useless in helping me regain my memory. This is undoubtedly very scary as should i lose my memory due to alzheimer's in my 80s, i would have no clue what my life was like when i was 18.

Hence, i feel i should do i little recap.

I am currently a student in Hwachong institution. I am in the college section of the school, where i am now in 06s68, year2. I currently spend large amounts of my time kicking a small leather ball around a patch of grass as a CCA, where my favoured position in the football team is rightback. The captain of the Hwachong team is this guy called Gregory Leong whereas the coach is this Indian called Rameshpal Singh (I think). Competing in my position is essentially this hot guy (by public consensus) called Kang Chiang. He is (also by public consensus) the most improved player in the team, from the noob he was to the pro he is now. He, me and this cute guy called GONG all live near each other hence resulting in us always trying to take Kang Chiang's car home after training.

In 06s68, i am pretty good friends with them all, especially rachel and shawn. However due to a certain young nubile girl, shawn has turned his charms on her and forgotten about the two of us!
I am currently (in name) taking Chemistry MOE h3. The module, also called pharmaceutical Chemistry is possibly the most insanely hard module i have ever had the misfortune to study.

The hottest girl in class is GENESIS. =D

She, incidentally is also the FACULTY HEAD with hongyi for athena. Athena, better known as the green house is doing much better this year compared to the diabolical shams of last year.

My junior class 07s68 is a DSA class, hence explaining their aptitude for sports and less than expected tendency to MUG. They are really fun-loving and shawn loves them (ok just one) to bits.


Our senior treat junior was at this bomb called billy bombers. It bombed our class funds into negative-land and we are millions in the red.

Junior treat senior should be this coming sat. Oh yeah.


MOving on, my NAPFA which is of paramount importance this year looks to be in safe hands, exacept for standing broad jump. I have no clue how some people can jump above 230. People like that should be banned.

I have just deferred my NS! I feel old.

the celebrations

After flag-raising, kang chiang walked up to me and said "Today's the day."

Yeah, I know. I hope we both make it.





Had CNY celebrations yesterday. My junior class had some henna painting thingy. my right hand has some deformed ball-like pattern. hahah.




_tobias says:
eh i gg la

_tobias says:
everyone knows about me and sarah

cephas says:
aiya that one is common knowledge

_tobias says:
WHAT COMMON KNOWLEDGE

_tobias says:
we must be the most popular "couple" man

_tobias says:
people i dont know also know!!


haha.

just believe

why does no one want to wear their old secondary school uniform to chinese new year celebrations?

cross country

It's that day again.
The day when you wake up in the morning and you are surrounded by energy and excitement of the prospect of going home with pride and the like.
The day when you will end up all sweaty, your body buzzing with endorphins.
It was the annual cross-country!


It was also valentine's day.

I was late for school today. Upon reaching my class bench garden i was surrounded by a virtual cascade of flowers, chocolates, gifts, long-owed letters from the angel you never wrote to, flowers, chocolates, an occasional hug, flowers, chocolates, cookies, flowers, chocolates..... oh well you get the idea.


Lessons was actually an excuse for us to compare the gifts we got from common people. What chemical energetics? What multiplier effect?


Had firedrill today.It was kind of a fiasco. People in the canteen were carrying their plates of food as they proceeded to the field to line up. People also went to the toilet in the middle of the drill. That's right. Pee while the school is razed down to the ground.




HAd x-country. Screwed up my run. got like 32 or somewhere there. ahhhhhhhhh

the dreaded call

after training today " We have to cut down our squad. We'll have 20 players at the end of this week"

holy. 7 players will get cut. i don't deserve to get cut. really.

electronic ranting

Now i lay me down to bed
Darkness won't engulf my head
I can see by infrared
How i hate the night

Now i lay me down to sleep
try to count electric sheep
sweet dream wishes you can keep
how i hate the night

marvin; from the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy

its the calm before the storm.

The release of O-level results was today. The school was eerily quiet. No enthusiastic j1s in the multicoloured (though largely brown or white) uniforms providing a kaliedoscope of color to the otherwise monotonous brown of hwa chong.

I still remember last year so fondly. the much criticised and eventually harmful 3-day-work-week i so enjoyed in 06s13. The never ending runs. The emo sessions i would have after trainings.

and in a blink of an eye

I'm 18. i am going to defer my NS. I'm mugging so hard. I actually read the newspapars RECRUIT section. i feel senile. Like im some laoren. I feel my arthiritis. ouch.

I hope 07s68 stays on. they are the loveliest bunch of people you will ever meet.

just so you know

this feeling's taking control of me
and i can't help it.




lost to vjc by a last gasp goal. It's so frustrating. To hold those insane people for so long and to concede half a minute before the end of the game is simply ....
It's so depressing. Why couldn't we just hold on for that few seconds.

And that seems to be the story of my life. collapsing at the last moment.



On a brighter note, had stj yesterday. A post like this last year would be accompanied by a myriad of postings, pictures but i don't know. I feel old ):
Last night was a most magical night as 3 batches of 06s68 bonded together. I can't remeber having so much fun with the whole class. which isn't such a weird thing given the lack of them.


have spa tomorrow. OH NO.

moan and groan

The reason why everyone thinks im such an emo boy when i blog is cause i blog when im sad, emo, angry, tired, or a combination of 2 or more of the abovementioned factors. Cause when you're happy, you just want to ride that wave for as long as you can. while when you're sad you just want some one to talk to; and this website is my some one.

came back from school and reached home early today at 3+. It's the earliest i've been home for a long long time and it does feel good=D

had training yesterday. Ramesh just ripped into us for our lackadaisical performance. And he's right. I've got to improve. I can be so much better and i will be as good as you expect me to be.
Cooler, calmer, harder. That's what im gonna be.

comeback

hello there
the angel from my nightmare.
The shadow in the background of them all
the unsuspecting victim
of darkness in the valley
we can live like jack and sally if you want

blink 182's i miss you





its boring. school. I can go through one whole day of school without laughing. SOme days are so grey, while others are full of color.

Looking at our junior class, i guess i envy their carefreeness and joy, knowing they can slack and still put in enough work to catch up. Its such a luxury, something i cant afford.

Its so cutthroat. One bad performance and im out of the team. One missed lecture and i fall so far behind. This is evident in my aptitude, or rather the lack of aptitude in vectors.

it sucks. so badly.

The heart of worship

As the music fades
all is stripped away
and i simply come,
Longing just to bring
something that's of worth
that would bless your heart.

toe!

my toe is utterly completely destroyed.

This apparently is due to a most monstrous malady known as the ingrown toe nail. This sympton is apparently due to a lack of sense of direction on the proteins forming your toenail, resulting in it growing sideways and straight into the walls of your flesh rather than covering the toe as all good nails are supposed to do. Oh well.


just came back after a most horrifying h3 lesson. it was really bad.

sick

i stayed at home today after mugging the night before in a bid to finish homework that was due a week ago.

This might after all beg the question why not just pon today, sleep early last night and finish the work today?

answer is i don't know.

I cant remember the last time hwa chong soccer team kicked a ball. i think its the match against njc. from that time on every single training session has bben a get-your-heartbeat-to-180-while-running session. physically and mentally draining as it may be, i can feel myself improving. gotta run!



I got to work harder and stretch myself. If im going to get cut, its cause im not good enough. not because i didn't try hard enough.





we simply got to be stronger faster better

battle of bukit timah

No this post has nothing to do with the heroic efforts of a certain malay corporal who fought bravely fighting the japanese soldiers during world war 2 and was captured and bayoneted to his death tied to a tree. It is not even about war though there is some element of violence, blood and thunder and grass involved.
Hwachong is playing Njc tomorrow at their home ground and it represents a bittersweet homecoming of sorts for me. I know i have said this countless of times to the readers of this rather pathetic website but NJC soccer team has one of the fondest and most unforgettable memories in my brain. The other memories etched in my brain are rather obscene and i would rather not type them out.

The point is that the team spirit there is the strongest i have ever felt or have the misfortune of leaving. I wish i didn't but things happen and i don't want to look back.

I still remember shouting at each other encouraging each other to complete the diabolical fitness plans formulated by a certain PE teacher. We finished the runs TOGETHER as a TEAM and we pushed each other all the way, no matter how fast we were pushed to.

Maybe people from HC soccer wonder why i keep shouting during pt sessions or in a match. Maybe they wonder why i keep insisting we stick together. I wonder if they think im just acting like some big shot upsetting their social circles. I wonder.
When will you people get that its not about YOU. You are only as strong as your weakest man.

So what if you can complete 1km in 3 minutes. the bugger next to you who can only do 1 km in 7 minutes will get raped by the fitter meaner players in A div.

it ends tomorrow

Its the day before school officially restarts. Given the amount of homework i have done, rather the amount that i have not done, i should be panicking. But who gives a damn.

Recently, ramesh has been cutting people, dropping people from the team. I'm scared. I suppose everyone in the team is at one point or another frightened. From what i see, the J2s left are more or less of equal standard where no one really deserves to get cut. Which makes it possible that anyone anywhere will get cut. This is bad. There are currently 4 defenders left, making me greg, felix and kc. I am of the opinion that its a fight between me and KC, while everyone tells me 4 senior defenders is good.



so raise your glass high, for tomorrow we die.



CHASE SEASON 2 RETURNS!!!!